4 Jun 2016

The thing holding me back is the hope that something will be better the second time round. Maybe that failed friendship might be worth another shot? While sometimes, second chances give great results, a lot of the time you're just as disappointed the second time as you were the first. 

With me, it's tomatoes. I know I don't like them but asking for a salad without them seems weird, tomatoes should be there if not it feels like something's missing. So I try them, again and again, knowing full well that my taste buds won't have miraculous changed and decided to like them again. But one day I realised what's the point in trying force myself to keep eating something I know I don't like. What is this really giving me? While that tomato anecdote was meant literally (like ew tomatoes) I mean it metaphorically too. 

Why do I keep trying to force something to happen when I know the results are going to leave me disappointed? I've come to the conclusion the answer is closure. There are friendships that were made and just drifted away but I always question 'what if?'. What if we didn't drift and what if the chance for a life-long friendship was given up too easily. Maybe all I need to do is get that closure and make sure I made the right decision in letting that ship sail instead of second guessing myself.

I think it's a case of trusting my instinct. If something doesn't feel right now why would it later? Just because you're a year older doesn't mean it will be any different. That bitch might still be a bitch, that lad might still think he can get any girl he wants and I still won't like tomatoes. Some things won't change and there's no point forcing something that should happen naturally and not contrived. 

Am I an idealist? I've never thought of it that way but maybe I am. But then I think how can I be when I see myself as a bit of a pessimist.

But maybe that's the thing.

Maybe I'm not a pessimist. I always want to see the best in people and my vision is blurred to see my ideals are just that.

But when I've been faced with a situation when I'm expecting different results the third time round when no changes have been made, I see a fool staring back at me in the mirror. Now I realise there it is.

There's my closure.

Nothing's changed.

Nothing will.

So let's just leave it there.

Sarah x

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