I think your what's holding me back. The fear you brought me I tried to escape as we entered another year and another etc. but the change of a number didn't take away the feelings you left behind in my mind.
It's hard to come to terms with what happened back then. It was all a blur. I think I blocked most of it out. But the memories that have snuck between the cracks just to tease me of the past that I wanted to leave right there, have taunted me the past three years.
What makes this all the more difficult is that there's a part of my life I'e kept hidden; from people I knew, people I know now. It's a part of my life that's even unbeknown to my family.
You were the year I reached my limit, the year I gave up. did anyone notice? I don't think so. I don't blame them. I was already the 'quiet one' so being a little more quiet wouldn't have been noticeable. I mean, it wasn't as if I advertised how I felt with a big flashing sign and an arrow over my head like you see on the front of American Diners in films that flash "Open". I made sure I kept up social appearances, well, there was never many but I went to as many as I could handle. I made sure my grades didn't suffer; if a positive is to have come out of 2013 is that my grades were even high than normal. I didn't have much else to do when I could sleep but work.
I feel like you sat back and watched me suffer in silence and I try to come to terms with what I doing and failing. My attempts to actually opening up. But failing.
I was distant but people would say that was just me. Good ol' introverted me! But I knew something had changed. Everything had changed. Everything was all of a sudden too much for me. I couldn't be around people. I didn't want to be around people.
Go ahead, Say it. Say it was just a phase and that 'all teenagers go through it'. But how long is a phase? To me, it didn't feel like a phase, it felt like a lifetime.
You were a lonely year. A year I was ridiculed for not being able to do certain mundane things like order my meal, eat in front of people, have a conversation without feeling eyes of someone in the back of my head or that someone was whispering about me and sniggering.
You drained me. I fell empty. But to everyone else I was full of life because that's what I do. I hide. I hide within myself, within my own shadow because sharing too much, to me is dangerous. I'll let you in on a secret, a little tip,I would say, if you want people to think you're an open person when in actuality you're just talking nonsense. Whenever there's space to, fill the silence with talking. Talk about anything because people will think "omg, yeah that Sarah she's shares everything even what she had for tea last night!!"
I've never been an open book. But 2013 is a chapter that remains sealed with a lock because what's inside is too much to share right now.
2013, you hurt me, you let me down but not as much as I let myself down...
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I'm never going to manage to share with anyone, at least right now, how 2013 really made me feel and all the details of 2013 but all I can say right now is that I want forget but I know I can't and so instead I need to embrace you; embrace the shit I put myself through. Your the reason I'm stuck in the past but I refuse to let you be the reason I mess up my future.
Yes, there's a chance the feelings may come back and I deal with them and I'll be able to deal with them a lot better. Maybe next time will be different. Maybe I'll open my mouth and speak out instead of hiding in the high school toilets literally and metaphorically. Instead of hiding in an attempt to escape my problems, the only way to defeat them is head on. I'll Expecto Patronum the shit out of my Dementors.
2013, it's safe to say you sucked and for a while I thought it was just going to get worse but not. 2015 came along an changed me; made me realise where I went wrong, what I was doing wrong.
While I still have spells when I'm sad everyone has those and, if they are worse, I know how to deal with them. And while I may not be dealing with them in the right way I should right now, the fear you left behind is the motivation I need to push me forward and speak out.
I mean, what is it I'm doing right now?
Good Riddance 2013.
Sarah x
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